With regard to the scene in Secretary..she was not contemptuous of the boyfriend because she was calling the shots. She wanted him to spank her and he did not get it.
She placed his hand on her bottom several times and he pulled it away. She placed herself over his knee but he didn't know what to do..his mind was on intercourse so he could not figure out how to have sex with her in that position.
If he had spanked her as she wished she would have been thrilled and delighted but she STILL WOULD HAVE BEEN CALLING the shots. So you are misinterpreting that scene.